


5 Times Joe The Nurse Aide Had To Sit With A Bat + 1 Time He Was Thanked

by Owls_Teddies_Confetti_Oh_My



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily Shenanigans (DCU), Batfamily-centric (DCU), Bruce Wayne is So Done, Bruce Wayne's C+ Parenting, Cause you know he has them!, Damian Wayne Loves Animals, Dick Grayson Being a Little Shit, Gen, Good Sibling Cassandra Cain, High Dick Grayson, Holy Exclamation Batman!, It's JASON, It's the morphine, Jason Todd Being a Little Shit, Jason Todd's Autopsy Scars, Long Suffering OC, Making Fun of Dick Grayson's Stint as Robin, Medical Jargon, Memes, POV Outsider, Tim Drake and Damian Wayne Fight, Tim Drake's Missing Spleen, You're lying to yourself if you think he doesn't, cassandra cain is a sweetheart, he's trying you guys, temporary character death mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28379037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Owls_Teddies_Confetti_Oh_My/pseuds/Owls_Teddies_Confetti_Oh_My
Summary: Joe's a Patient Care Tech at Gotham Methodist Hospital and he's been working there for nearly 5 years now.This is how he inadvertently ended up taking care of Gotham's most (in)famous family of Bats.----Written for Joe and Niu on Discord because ily guys.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne, Batfamily Members & Original Character(s), Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne
Comments: 88
Kudos: 285





	1. 1. Bruce

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this on a whim for my friend Joe on Discord. He's a Patient Care Tech and he helped us with the crack idea of a poor nurse/nurse's aide being subjected to the Bats as they sit in their rooms to make sure they don't rip out ivs or tubes. also credit to Niu for being the one to come up with it in the first place! Check 'em out here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niullum/pseuds/Niullum 
> 
> Oh and since this is a fic about medical stuff pls be warned about things like injuries and such. I'll tag major things as I update the chapters but I don't go into a lot of detail in this with bruce's injury. Still, blood is mentioned. ye have been warned.

Joe Wallace is a Patient Care Tech. (Which is the fancy way of saying a nurse’s  sidekick  aide.) He was used to doing the grunt work that most of the nurses and other techs didn’t want to do. Mostly because he was too nice to say no to his coworkers but also because sometimes that grunt work could be fun. 

Or downright dangerous; like that one time he was in charge of putting an I.V. on Two Face. Surprisingly, former D.A. Dent was a pretty chill dude once you got enough morphine in him. But he did still threaten to knife Joe in his sleep so…

He looks up from his seat in the breakroom, just about to end his break and get back to his rounds when a frazzled looking nurse walks in, very visibly frustrated and done with the world and takes a seat by him. She doesn’t acknowledge him and he really hopes she won’t. He only had another few hours before his shift was over but something told him he wouldn’t be so lucky as to avoid whatever it is she had just dealt with. He adjusts the black plastic frames of his glasses to get a better look and recognizes her as Judy, one of the older staff members in the nursing department. She’d been working at this hospital for nearly 30 years now and can already feel himself bending to her will.

She takes one look at him, her dark skin paler than usual and something tells him she hasn’t left the hospital for quite some time. He already knows he’s gonna say yes before she even opens her mouth. “Joe, honey, I know you’re almost off the clock but could you please Sit with this patient? I haven’t been able to go home in a few days due to the recent Riddler attacks and I really just…” 

“Judy, don’t worry about it. Go home. You look like you really need the rest. I got this, just tell me the room number and hand over the patient file.” He smiles at her and she grins tiredly back. After the last couple of minutes of his break is spent punching back in early and leaving for the ICU on the 2nd floor. As he walks up to room 9, he stops for a moment. He squints at the elderly man currently leaving the room wearing an impeccable butler’s outfit and suddenly he’s regretting taking on Judy’s turn here as he nervously tries to brush down his unkempt beard. He doesn’t know why but he feels like he has to look sharp in front of the other or else.

The older gentleman passes by him as he keeps walking and stops him. He speaks in a British accent and Joe feels embarrassed to answer back in his lower Gotham accent.

“Excuse me, sir. Would you happen to know where one might find a cup of tea in this hospital?” Joe makes an attempt to answer as politely as he can before he resigns himself to what he was about to see once he entered that room. He grabs the clipboard on the door and regrets his existence when the door opens.

Bruce Wayne was laid out on a bed, flashing Joe a brilliant and empty smile as he attempted to stand. He looked to be about to rip out the I.V. Judy probably had put in already and seemed to act sheepish at being caught.

Joe felt his soul leave his body. Why is his life the way it was? Last week he had to deal with some Joker wannabe spewing racist rhetoric and now he had to stop the Billionaire Himbo Prince of Gotham from not only ruining what had to be an expertly placed I.V. but also from displacing 30 staples he needed from a  _ boating accident _ . Why was Gotham like this?

Joe took a deep breath, put on his best customer service smile, and walked over to Bruce fucking Wayne. “Mr. Wayne-” 

“Please, call me Bruce.” Bruce’s smile was as air filled as people said his head was. Somehow, Joe found no comfort in this. He sighed and started again.

“Bruce. Please lay back down in your bed and do not touch your I.V.s as they are currently supplying you with Morphine and Ativan so you don’t feel the pain of your injury.” Joe explains and goes about checking the I.V. and seeing he managed to stop Bruce from messing them up. He nods to himself and checks the chart before adjusting the bag on the I.V. stand and sitting down on a chair used for Sitters and visitors. He looks over Bruce’s chart and see’s a note that clearly states that he needs a sitter whenever he is admitted to the ICU. 

Joe hums. He must not like hospitals or needles, then.

“I like your scrubs, sport.” Joe is startled out his thoughts when Bruce talks to him and he looks down at his uniform. Right. He wore the Nightwing themed ones today. He smiled a little and shrugged.

“I thought his symbol looked cool.” He lies; you know, like a liar. He’s actually infatuated with the hero ’s butt and had squee’d so hard in the store he got them from. Sue him, he was a fan! He had matching scrubs for all of Gotham’s Bats and Birds anyhow.

Except Signal. He still hasn’t found a pair for him but God willing, he will keep searching. 

Bruce simply nodded and his smile looked almost proud for a moment. Maybe he liked Nightwing too? Actually was Bruce Wayne even a fan of the Bats?

“Are you a fan, too?” He asks, cursing himself for saying that out loud. Bruce chuckled lightly and nodded a bit.

“I suppose you can say that.” He gives a smile to the tech and suddenly Joe felt like he was missing an inside joke. Probably.

“Well, Mr.- uh, Bruce. If you have any questions or requests, I’ll be happy to try and answer or fulfill them as best as I can.” Joe says and just as Bruce opens his mouth to speak a very flat but concerned voice rings out.

“Can I get a waffle? Can I  _ please _ get a waffle.” The phrase repeats again as Bruce’s face falls and he sighs in a way that has Joe doing a double take. He reaches for the bag on hanging off the bed and procures a cellphone from which the Vine reference was playing. Bruce answers it and gives the tech a look.

“Hello? Yes Jason, what’s happening?” Ah, okay. It was Bruce’s second eldest son, Jason Todd-Wayne. He had recently been revealed to have not died but been grievously injured and then put into witsec to be kept away from a second attempt. Joe stayed silent and tried not to eavesdrop on the conversation. Still, Jason hasn’t made a public appearance since the press conference announcing his survival. Can’t blame a guy from being curious.

“I’m in the hospital, Jason, so whate-... What? What do you mean they lost it?” Bruce’s brow furrowed and a look that has never been photographed or videoed before crosses his face. Joe feels like he’s watching rare behavior in a common species of animal.

“Why did they lose it?” A pause. “What is so important that they can’t stop arguing about it for more than 5 minutes to keep an eye on-” 

“What!? Put Damian and Tim on the phone right now.” Joe blinked as a chill went down his spine. Bruce Wayne should never sound like that. Like-, like-

“Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne and Damian Hafid al-Ghul-Wayne!! Why am I hearing the two of you lost your _one of a kind Rolex watches_ because you were too busy arguing over  **bands** !?” 

Like an angry dad.

Joe suddenly has flashbacks to his own chewing outs from his dad. He shuddered as the memory of getting yelled at with the Dad Disapproval™ tone bearing down on him. He comes back to reality as he realizes that Bruce, in the middle of his rant, had started to move in his bed.

He nearly tore out his I.V. waving his arm as he kept on lecturing his kids over the phone. Oh god, if he keeps that up he is going to pop his staples. And then Joe was going to be stuck cleaning up the mess he left behind. Thinking fast, Joe stands and goes over to the bed and quickly tries to redirect the attention to himself.

“Mr. Wayne? Please calm down! You’re going to reopen your wound like this and you’re dislodging your I.V., sir.” He tries to no avail. He tries to calm him down by placing a hand on his patient’s shoulder but instead, Bruce swings his arm up wide and the tell-tale yelp of pain just confirms Joe’s fear.

Looking down, Bruce’s bandages immediately start to redden and his hand is bleeding from where his I.V. had fallen out. He was cursing as muffled voices from the phone seemed to call out to him.

Joe immediately pages a nurse and tries to help put pressure on Bruce’s reopened wound when the British gentleman from earlier re-enters the room holding a steaming cup of tea. 

He surveys the scene and sighs. Placing the tea down on the counter next to him where the sink was, the older man goes about plucking the phone from Bruce’s hand and taking over the conversation as Joe holds down the wound and the nurses and doctors get there.

By the end, Joe’s Nightwing scrubs are stained in Bruce Wayne’s blood and he learns the British man is his butler, Alfred Pennyworth, who slips two 100 dollar bills into his hand and apologizes for the mess his master has made. Hopefully the money would cover his dry cleaning.

Joe looks down at his ruined scrubs, to the money in his hands, and then to the ceiling.

Why does he still live here, again?


	2. 2. Damian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damian has Chickenpox. Thankfully for Joe there's cat memes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so tired. its midnight and i slept 1 hour at most in the last 24 hrs. rly tapping into my inner tim drake here. this is short but i did my best. love you lots, guys, enjoy.

The next time he had to deal with the utter chaos that was Gotham’s “Royal Family” was simply because Joe drew the short stick and got stuck with room 9 in the ICU on his rounds. He grumbled as he glared at the cursed room and then finally walked in as he took the clipboard that was placed on the door. It had been a week since his encounter with Bruce Wayne and he figured that maybe this time he’d catch a break. He stepped through the door while looking down at the clipboard and only just barely managed not to curse. Out loud, at least.

Laying on the bed was one Damian Wayne, looking rather worse for wear and absolutely miserable and he coughed violently into his elbow and glared at nothing in particular. In the chair that was reserved for Techs like him and family members, sat none other than Alfred Pennyworth. The man was a saint among sinners as he greeted Joe with a kind smile and tip of his head.  


“Hello again, Mr. Pennyworth. I see this time, your employer’s youngest has a bad case of Chickenpox.” He looked over the charts and frowned.

Sensing his confusion, Alfred sighed and looked to Damian who was doing his best impression of a particularly irritable cat. “I’m afraid his mother’s father would not allow him vaccinations. Something about… Tradition.” 

The nurse aide blinked and simply nodded. Anti-vaxxers were nightmares to deal with. He went over to check the different needles and such were hooked up to the young boy correctly and ignored the uncomfortable glare he was getting from the child. Seriously, why did someone so tiny know how to glare in a way that would curdle milk. Why was this family so weird?

As Joe adjusts the tubing slightly, he hears the young Wayne growl in frustration just as the old butler excused himself from the room to take a call from his own cell phone. He looks down at the kid who scratched at himself but stopped when Joe gently reminded him that would make it worse.

“Chickenpox sucks, don’t it?” Joe tries to break the ice as he sits down for his round. Damian pulled a face and rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue against his teeth.

“This is nothing. A minor inconvenience.” He coughs violently and Joe just nods. Man this kid was kinda weird. He also looked seriously bored.

He kept scratching himself or fiddling with his tubes and the tech figures if he doesn’t find something to distract the poor kid soon, he’s gonna either break skin or remove his I.V.s. Think fast, Joe!

He glanced to his phone he was using to silently scroll through Tumblr before he got an idea. He closed the app and opened up his Youtube account. “Hey, wanna listen to music?”

The irritated kid just looked at him with a look that told Joe he was not impressed. Jeez, judgy much?

“You can pick the music. I listen to practically anything anyhow.” Damian sniffed and grabbed at some tissues left at his bedside to blow into them. He threw the tissues out and grabbed the hand sanitizer next to the box of tissues and used a… Copious amount of the alcohol based product to scrub his hands clean.

He then held one out expectantly. At least he had manners enough to clean his hands first.

Joe just handed it over with an awkward smile and Damian spent quite a while searching for something suitable before he finally clicked on something.

Joe waited for a moment before a horrifyingly familiar tune started to play. He blinked and held back a snort of amusement at the song.

“Nyancat?” He asked incredulously. Damian pouted a bit and shrugged.

“Poptarts are delicious and cats are cute.” He said, sniffling. The kid was probably high on the antivirals he was on. It was kinda cute.

They go through a shocking amount of cat-based meme songs, including a meowed version of Coldplay’s Viva la Vida before Alfred gets back and Joe has to switch out to his next station.

Alfred blinks at the bongo-cat version of the Shooting Stars by Bag Raiders playing from Joe’s phone and he simply smiles. He takes his seat and Joe takes his phone back once the song ends. Alfred immediately hands his own over to Damian and he starts hunting down a dog barks version of 21 Guns by Green Day.

Before he leaves, Damian makes a meek comment about how Joe’s Batgirl scrubs were off brand. The purple was all wrong. 


	3. 3. Tim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim's asplenia strikes again and Joe is Fearful™.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so im late af but heres a new chapter. Here's to hoping I put the next one out by tomorrow. also tw for mentions of intubation and extubation. nothing's shown tho.

Joe was wondering if he was cursed or something. He genuinely wonders if maybe he did something to piss off a magical rogue or something and now he was cursed to deal with the Waynes as patients. He had no idea what the actual hell their deal was but hot damn, he hoped they didn’t get worse than this.

As of this moment, Joe was stuck on how to approach this particular Wayne because…

Well. How the fuck do you wrangle a 17 year old that kept trying to bribe you and all your coworkers into discharging him?

Timothy Drake -Wayne was kind of a weirdo. He didn’t seem to particularly care that he was just recently intubated and recovering from the worst case of Legionnaires’ Joe has had the displeasure of seeing. 

When Tim had first woken up, the teen had immediately started to attempt to pull out his tube like it was fucking nothing and Joe realized he had never known true fear until he watched this skinny, aspleniac teenager touch his face, realize he had a tube down his throat to help him breathe, and immediately just start tugging on it like he planned to rip out once he found a comfortable way to do it. Joe immediately got Tim’s attention by shouting ‘Mr. Wayne’ at him and begging the poor kid to calm down and that he was currently still getting over a bad bout of Legionnaires disease. He looked confused and Joe simply told him the doctor would explain it more once the nurses got the tube out of his throat. He had nodded and stopped the tugging but something about his eyes read as annoyance to the tech and he could already tell it was gonna be one of those sits. 

He looked on the bright side and figured that at least this sit would be kinda interesting. If not eventful. 

He waited outside the room as Tim Wayne was extubated and went back in once he was given the all clear. He sat down in the chair next to Tim, who looked very put out at being in the hospital at all and hopped onto Discord while Tim pouted next to him. Joe was able to ignore it for all of 5 seconds before caving. Sue him, he was a sucker for cute kids.

“How’s your throat feeling?” He asks, unsure if he should really be speaking but he seemed like he needed someone to cheer him up. Tim glanced at the tech and shrugged.

“I’ll live.” His voice was raspy. To be expected considering he just had a tube pulled out of his esophagus. He sighed and shifted in his bed.

“Well, would you like me to play some music? I have Spotify downloaded if you want to hear anything.” The kid eyed Joe for a moment before his lips quirked up at the corners. 

“Thanks, but it’s cool. Neat scrubs.” Joe looked at his custom Red Hood scrubs and beamed.

“Thanks! I got a friend to make them for me. She likes to do patch ironing and stitching. No one sells Red Hood merch so I just paid her to use a design I saw she made.” He poked at the Red Hood helmet that was on his sleeve and smiled at the tired looking teen.

“You should sleep a bit. I think this infection really kicked your ass.” Joe says gently and Tim pulls a face.

“No can do. I got work to do. Speaking of, what’s the salary around here for Patient Techs and Nurses?” Joe blinked and froze for a moment. Uh, what.

“I get paid $14.50/hr and the nurses get like $30 and up… Why?” He doesn’t like that look in the teen’s eyes.

“If I can up your pay to 50 an hour and the nurses to 95, you think I can get some early discharge papers?” 

Joe blinked.

“Y-you don’t own the hospital.” What-

“Well, not  _ yet _ . Give me an hour, though, and I will.”  **_What_ ** -

Joe takes a quick moment to breath through his nose because what the actual fuck, and sigh. He chose this. He decided to move to this God forsaken city.

“That’s very kind but I literally do not have control over any of this. I’m just doing my job here.” Joe feels like his soul left his body for a second as Tim stared him down and then pouted. 

It was kinda cute. Like a kitten that was angry. 

The teen groaned as he laid back and crossed his arms, not seeming to care that he might fuck up his I.V.. Joe blinked, looked down at his phone, and sighed.

“I get it. Not being able to do shit sucks. Don’t worry, once we get enough antibiotics in you to help clear out the Legionnaires, you’ll be walking out of here faster than you could say ‘Holy discharge, Batman’!” That got a snort of laughter out of the kid. He cracked a grin that made him look more his age and he seemed happy to start quipping his own takes on the infamous Robin catchphrase. 

“More like ‘Holy recovery, Batman!’” He snorted harder when he said it himself and Joe couldn’t help grinning and laughing with him. The laughter was only cut short by someone knocking on the door and making their way into the room.

Bruce Wayne looked relieved as he smiled at his son and barely spared Joe a second glance. He had a duffle bag and computer bag slung over his shoulders and placed both down gently by Tim’s bedside and Joe took the opportunity to leave the room. He should give the two a bit of privacy as Wayne leant over the bed to whisper quiet words of thanks that Tim was okay.

If he somehow ended up with a raise about 3 days later and the hospital ended up backed by W.E. at the same time, well. He would know who to thank for his next paycheck.


	4. 4. Dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe is gay. That's it, that's the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short one! sorry for the long wait yall, i was busy with packing and junk so i could move. im not entirely settled but managed to grab a moment to type up this. hope ya like it!

He’s going to cry. Straight up, Joe is going to actually sob and it will be all Clara’s fault. Why? Simple; bitch had the nerve to make him switch her sit with his knowing  **damn** well that he was possibly the most thirstiest hoe for Richard John Grayson. Was it because Clara, known Lesbian™, didn’t want to meet the infamous ‘will fuck anything humanoid’ playboy or was it because she lived to watch Joe, a known Gay™, squirm.

The world may never know! Mainly because he was too busy trying not to absolutely lose it because The Dick Grayson was unconscious in room number 9 of the ICU in Gotham Methodist and while Joe is slowly coming to find this room even more cursed than usual, he can’t help but nearly squeal when he heard the tell tale groans of the eligible socialite coming to.

“Where…?” He blinked a couple times and Joe cleared his throat to speak. He can proudly claim that he only cracked once.

“You’re in the ICU of Gotham Methodist, Mr. Grayson-Wayne.” Joe explained and hoped he used the right surname. “In room number 9, in case you wanted to phone anyone and let them know.”

“ICU? What happened to me? I’m drawing up a blank Mr…” He set his incredibly gorgeous blue eyes on Joe and he could feel his spine melting. Oh boy, he was a goner.

“I-I, uh, Joe! Joe Wallace. But please, Mr. Grayson-Wayne., call me Joe.” He managed to spit out his words and decided he could no longer live in a world where he stuttered like an idiot in front of Dick fucking Grayson. Luckily the ex-circus worker just grinned at him with glassy eyes. He was probably incredibly high off pain meds.

“Dick is fine then, Joe. Jeez, my head is  _ fuzzy _ . They really shot me up with the good stuff, huh?” Joe could only laugh nervously as Dick’s face screwed up and he groaned again.

“Well, uh, Dick. You managed to cause several fractal breaks to your ankle and collarbone after attempting to…” Joe looked down at Dick’s chart and tried to hold a straight face as he continued speaking.

“After attempting to use an unstable lamp pole at a large gala as a dancing pole whilst under the influence of alcohol.” Joe jumped as Dick snorted loudly and laughed at the words before shaking his head softly and glancing down to his elevated foot in a cast.

“Welp. I’m as good as grounded when B finds out about this…” Dick sighs and he looks back to the patient aide and squints at him. Oh man, even while making stupid faces like an idiot he looks like a fucking Adonis. So not fair…

“Huh, Red Hood?” He nods slightly at Joe’s scrubs and he looks down at the scrubs that are patterned up with red bat symbols and to the pin on his lapel of the Red Hood’s iconic helmet. The pin he got off Etsy but the scrubs are technically Batwoman themed. He does like to think of them as Red Hood scrubs though. He got two sets of the Batwoman scrubs so he could still rep merch from her. She was eleven kinds of badass.

“Uh yeah. The scrubs really Batwoman but their symbols are close enough. I got the Red Hood pin off Etsy, though.” He rambled a little bit but Dick seemed to be engaged in the conversation. Or as engaged in conversation as one can be when tripping balls on morphine.

Dick hummed to himself and yawned after a moment of silence where Joe freaked out on the inside. Dick seemed to have fallen asleep again when he finally spoke up. “I prefer Robin, myself. He’s adorable.” 

Joe blinked and tried to think of something to add to that. Only to be cut short by the door to the room slamming open and Bruce Wayne standing there looking livid whilst Tim stood behind him on his phone, looking very annoyed.

“Richard John Grayson-Wayne!!” Bruce barked and Dick groaned.

“Louder B, I don’t think they heard you on Tameran.” Dick sighed as Bruce walked up to his bedside, arms crossed and looking very upset in a way that one would never see on Brucie Wayne. Christ, this is still so weird. Tim Drake merely gave Joe a glance and a quick head nod before going back to typing up a storm on his phone.

“Dick I am extremely disappointed in you!” Joe took the imminent lecture as his cue to dip out of there in that moment. He gave Tim a small wave that the kid probably didn’t see and left out the door quickly, making sure to wave a nurse down to let her know that the family of the patient was in and he was going to continue his rounds.

He made sure to buy Clara that one cake she really liked from the cafeteria. As a small thanks.


	5. 5. Jason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe gets a spooky done at him and freaks internally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so quick TW here! Mentions of autopsies, morgues, and a non-detailed description of scars happen this chapter. Tread carefully yall. Also, dialogue between Jason and Joe was partially RP'd by me and the real life Joe. Thanks for the help there, man!

Jason Peter Todd-Wayne used to be dead. Legally. Joe knew this, all of Gotham knew this. Anyone who’s ever heard of the Waynes knew this. He apparently was involved as a witness in some suspicious mob activity and had gone into witsec afterwards. He was only just recently allowed to come back to his normal life, years after the fact, because all the major players in the case were either locked up or dead. No one knows what the case  _ was _ exactly but most people were just happy that a kid didn’t actually die.

At least, that’s what Joe had thought before he was stuck keeping Jason company whilst he recovered from one hell of a head injury. Poor guy was the victim of a prank gone wrong, slipped on some ice and brained himself on the side of a fountain during a gala.

Bruce fuming at Tim and Damian via poorly taken snapshots hit the internet not long after the story broke. Looks like his siblings got to him after all.

But, that isn’t what’s on Joe’s mind at the moment. What was on Joe’s mind was the fact that he was just giving Jason a quick scrub down whilst ignoring his patient's buff physique as much as possible. Boners on the job are super unprofessional. 

Joe had just undone and slipped down Jason’s gown to get his chest when what he saw struck him on the spot. He blinked and stared down, sponge slipping between his fingers as his eyes went wide.

The scars were almost intimately familiar. His time talking with the morgue workers during quiet breaks and glimpses of the opened bodies in the rooms over have seared the sight into his brain. The faded color of the skin told Joe these were old, very old. He shook as he tried to look for any possible reason, wracked his brain for the most likely solution to this puzzle. After all, there has to be a perfectly sound explanation for why Jason Peter Todd-Wayne has the tell-tale, Y-shaped scars of an autopsy.

Joe took a deep breath, quickly finished the scrub down on his patient with nary a single puff of thought spared to his hotness levels, and proceeded to sit back down on his chair where he always sits when watching patients in ICU room number 9. He then grabbed a spare pillow from the cabinet next to him, smothered his face with it, and let out a very tiny, barely audible squeaking noise that was probably his attempt at a scream.

He had to calm down, he  _ had _ to! There’s probably a perfectly logical reason for this and it has absolutely nothing to do with Jason  _ actually dying and coming back to life somehow _ . No siree, everything was fine and this totally wasn’t a case of severe Lazarus syndrome or nothing.

…

…

…

Oh, who is he kidding!? He lives in a world where aliens punch megalomaniac billionaires in the face, Greek myths are real, and Solomon Grundy is a literal zombie that tried to rob a bank last week! Joe is actually freaking out so hard right now because what the fuck kind of caped bullshit did Jason Peter Todd-Wayne get into and  _ how _ !?!?!?

Just as the poor patient tech was halfway to bursting into tears, Jason stirred in his bed, snapping Joe out of his funk and back into high alert. He shook like a leaf as he waited with baited breath to see if Jason pops up like a horror movie prop and if he’ll follow it up by moaning for brains. 

It takes a moment for Jason to finally make a coherent sound that wasn’t just the grunting sound of sleep dying. He opens his teal eyes and looks around the room before sitting up some and glancing to his side. He blinks again and squints right at Joe, who barely holds back a squeak under the scrutiny. Jason makes a face like he’s confused.

“... You okay there man? You look like you saw a ghost.” It took him a moment to form the words but when he did, his lips twitched a little as he spoke the last bit. Almost like he was trying not to laugh at his own joke or something. That didn’t help with Joe’s resurrection theory.

“I just- it’s been a long shift, you know, and you surprised me. I didn’t think you’d just suddenly wake up like that.” Joe said, his voice slightly shaky as he tried to keep himself steady. Man this was so weird! He shouldn’t ask about the scars, that’d be so rude! But like, he’s super freaked out and he has to know what he’s dealing with. Maybe this is some sort of alien imposter? God, he hopes not.

“Heh, fair ‘nough. Mind helpin’ me outta these dumb tubes and shit? I got two kid bros to turn into swiss cheese.” He snarked, tugging on one of his I.V. lines. At that, all thoughts of possible zombie apocalypses and alien invasions fled Joe’s mind. Oh hell no.

“Sorry my friend, but I can’t get you outta here unless you’re discharged so please stop tugging on your I.V. I can try and grab your nurse in a few minutes and let her know you’re awake, though. See where we can go from there.” Joe said and approached Jason’s bedside to adjust the I.V. tube back into its place on the stand. Jason just pouted and it reminded Joe slightly of a two year old about to throw a temper tantrum.

"Dammit, stuck here then. Eh, at least I'm here with the dude that has semi-decent taste in heroes. Robin, huh?" He had this shit eating grin on his face, like he knew something that Joe didn’t. He wouldn’t be too hard pressed to think that maybe his family had told him about all the times that Joe had to be their sitter and what to look out for when he found himself in the same ICU of the same hospital. Joe just hopes its all good things said about him.

“Oh yeah! I love Robin. All the vigilantes of Gotham, really. I’m kind of a huge fan. They’re awesome.” He might as well gush a little bit, after all, he’s _kinda_ just had a really unsettling moment.

Jason blinks at him and lets out this huffy sounding laugh, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just as Joe was gearing to ask him his own favorite, the door to Jason’s room opened suddenly and in walked Bruce Wayne, looking still more frazzled than the last time Joe had seen him in here. He was followed by the Wayne butler, Alfred Pennyworth, and Joe decided to let the man have a moment with his son.

Making his way back to the employee lounge, he crashed straight into the couch cushions and silently repeated the phrase ‘what the fuck’ for a few times before deciding he was gonna try his hardest to forget that Jason Peter Todd-Wayne was maybe resurrected corpse-thing.


	6. +1. Cass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe gets sick and gets a visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!! Thanks to everyone who read this through to the end! Sorry its taken so long to finish but I'm glad I got it done. Hope this last chapter is satisfying! Now, onto the last part of Joe's journey with the Batfam.

So after some of the weirdest few weeks of his life, Joe Wallace was finally seeing some vacation time. Or rather, sick time. Joe groaned miserably under his covers and only finally got out from under them when the thermometer in his mouth finally beeped. He took it out and glared at the blinking 101 on the tiny screen. 

Great, a fever. Just what he needed. He let his body slump further into his pillows and bedding. Sniffling, Joe forced himself to actually get out of bed after another 10 minutes of wallowing in misery. He dragged himself to his bathroom to run some hot water and maybe try to destuff his nose a bit with the steam. But first, Joe could really use some fluids. 

He shambled to his kitchen and rifled through his cabinets, pulling out a glass and reaching for his fridge blindly. His hand wrapped around the carton of orange juice and he mumbled out a thanks to whoever handed it to him. He poured himself a tall glass of orange juice and gulped it down in one go. He sniffed and patted the head of Graham as he stood there for a moment.

And then he remembered that his roommates weren’t home today. It was one of those rare times where they actually left the house to go to their office for whatever it is they needed to do.

He was supposed to be stuck at home, by himself, with the dogs. He blinked down at Graham, the large mutt wagging his tail and panting at him and then slowly turned around.

Standing in his kitchen, staring at him with a small smile and patting Lily, the shy and eternally nervous Cocker Spaniel, was a woman that he’s seen on plenty of magazine covers before. 

Cassandra Wayne, the only one of the adopted Wayne kids to drop her last name and fully take on Bruce Wayne’s name, was still as a statue and softly tickling his usually shy and weary pooch under her chin. And Lily seemed to love it.

“Hi.” He croaked out, both from surprise and the fact that his throat was killing him. Probably strep throat if he paired up his symptoms of fever and painful swallowing. He moves back a little and Cassandra frowns a little at him in concern. 

“Sorry, I’m sick.” He says in the hope she realizes that he just didn’t want her getting sick also. She nods and places his dog down, the pretty pup licking her chin as she sets her on the floor and trotting off to probably lay in her bed. Graham followed her and Joe looked over to where he knew the front door was locked and then back at Cassandra.

“Did my roommates let you in? They didn’t tell me-” He coughed into his elbow as his throat killed his words. She just smiled and nodded. He thinks she might be lying but she hasn’t tried to murder him yet so he’s just gonna let it slide. Gotham’s weird as fuck anyhow so this was kinda on the milder end of weird events.

“Orange juice?” He said, voice straining. She shakes her head and makes a gesture for him to follow her. He does and then finds himself in the living room. She looks to him after picking up a big ass basket that he knew wasn’t there a moment ago. She just giggles and hands it to him. He takes it and Cassandra finally speaks.

“This is for you. Thanks for taking care of them.” His mind is currently foggy with fever and it takes him a full 3 minutes before he finally remembers what she’s talking about.

Her family. Right.

“It’s nothin’, Ms. Wayne. It’s jus’ my job.” He doesn’t think he’s ever had the family of his patients break into his house to give him presents as thanks. But, uh, first time for everything?

Gotham life was so Goddamn weird.

“Cass is fine and they’re not easy. Thanks for sticking around.” She shrugs at his explanation and huh, maybe this is the first time some poor healthcare professional has stuck through so many of the Wayne bunch. She probably thinks he has, like, a will of steel. Heh, if he really did, he’d probably be a Green Lantern right about now.

He places the basket to the side, noticing how expensive some of the goodies in it seemed and, man, his roommates are going to freak. He still has no idea how she broke into his house. 

“Thanks for the gift and thanks for visiting. You should go now, though. You’ll catch my strep throat if you do.” He explains and she nods sympathetically. She reaches into her purse and takes out a tiny travel bottle of Advil and hands it to him. 

“Feel better. Nice pajamas.” Joe blinked, looked down at his PJs and realized he was wearing the Batman themed onesie. He only really wore it when he felt awful and wanted to relax a little.

“Oh the-” He looks up and she’s gone. He blinks, takes in a deep breath, and ignores the fact that Cassandra Wayne is probably a ninja or something. Wouldn’t be too surprising honestly.

Gotham is so weird, but it’s home now. Joe smiles at the Advil bottle and opens the gift basket, taking out one of the incredibly expensive looking chocolate covered orange slices from the tray they were in. He deserved a treat. He popped open the pill bottle and shuffled back to the kitchen to pour himself another glass of juice to down them and then savored the taste of the luxury sweet.

Graham boofed at his side as he trotted up to Joe and he pat his snout again.

“I think I’ll have some french toast today.” He muttered and got to making himself something so the pills don’t erode his stomach lining. He can destuff his nose later.

**Author's Note:**

> "Change my fucking ringtone back to normal, Drake!"  
> "You have no fucking taste whatsoever, you uncultured-"  
> "I have more culture in my pinky than you have ever had in your whole body-!"  
> "Uh, weren't you two supposed to be watching the thing? Where is it?"  
> "Oh really? You thought Nine Inch Nails was an order from the hardware store!"  
> "How was I supposed to know you and Brown were discussing some trash musi-"  
> "Oh, you did not just call NIN trash!"  
> "... Lmao, B's gonna love this."
> 
> \- and that kids is how Tim and Damian ended up grounded for three weeks and benched for one. they swore vengeance on Jason. god help him.


End file.
